Sunday, September 12, 2010
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Your moon in confluence with Saturn always makes you over-sensitive. Answering a subpoena to appear in court does not constitute a romantic date with an old flame. Rehearsing testimony is not the same as reminiscing fondly. Any attempt on your part to set fire to my iPhone will be answered by a rain of destruction upon your Jimmy Choo's too terrible to contemplate. This evening would be ideal for you to take a long, calming stroll, since I'm not picking you up from work.
Leo (July 22-August 22)
Your ability to shout "Shiver me timbers!" and "Rum, me hearties!" in a convincingly roguish manner earned you a berth as cook on a Somali pirate ship. Your decision to serve bacon and eggs for breakfast the first morning brought an abrupt end to your seafaring career and re-acquainted you with the dogpaddle. The good news: what looks like sails in the distance are advancing rapidly on your position. The bad news: you ignored our advice to get your lens prescription checked.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Pleiades (June 21-July 21)
Welcome to the zodiac! This will be your personal space on the ecliptic. You can personalize it any way you want, although health laws prohibit any live comets, and nebulae should be confined to the break room. Let us know if you need more pencils or post-it notes. If you have any questions, just ask Taurus. And if you receive any calls for someone named Cancer, just explain that we have no forwarding address or contact information for former star signs. Or you could refer them to the parole office. They may actually ask for Gemini, so don't be fooled -- there are no Gemini. Did we mention that outfit looks really cute on you?
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Dear Sirs:
Your demand for financial records and all official documents related to the website herein named Your Other Horoscope has been deemed by our offices to be entirely frivolous and without merit. Your client (whom this office has it on good authority is not, as she avers, a Gemini, but in reality a Cancer) has no valid claim on our client's creative property, having at the time referred to his intention of taking astrology courses at night school as "the dumbest idea since diet dogfood" and many times since using his star charts to line the bottom of her budgie's cage. In any case, no financial records will be forthcoming, for the very good reason that neither records nor finances exist.
Yours cordially,
Milo T. Mandible, Esq.
Your demand for financial records and all official documents related to the website herein named Your Other Horoscope has been deemed by our offices to be entirely frivolous and without merit. Your client (whom this office has it on good authority is not, as she avers, a Gemini, but in reality a Cancer) has no valid claim on our client's creative property, having at the time referred to his intention of taking astrology courses at night school as "the dumbest idea since diet dogfood" and many times since using his star charts to line the bottom of her budgie's cage. In any case, no financial records will be forthcoming, for the very good reason that neither records nor finances exist.
Yours cordially,
Milo T. Mandible, Esq.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Steven Hawking is a very smart man, and he may be right that there are multiple universes. But even if you could access them, air fares are likely to be exorbitant, hotels near the beach booked solid, and Labor Day weekend irreversibly over and done with. You may want to ask your travel agent if there's a nice little cosmos available where Columbus Day is a three-day weekend and Sioux Falls has a lively beach-front nightlife.
Aries (March 20-April 19)
Your new Capricorn love interest hocked your mother's cameo ring, ran up five grand on your Visa to Fetishes-R-US.com, and blew out the transmission on your Subaru while fleeing the border patrol. He is now stalking you from the relative comfort beneath your neighbor's patio deck. You may be right in thinking this is the man you were meant for. Nevertheless, this is probably not the evening to order calzone from Guido's.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Aquarius (January 20-February 17)
We forgave you when you slept through the Reagan administration, and when you disappeared from 2003-2006, we accepted your excuse that it was your "lost weekend". But there have been cutbacks all over the zodiac lately. The universe needs to show a profit this quarter. If you can't be bothered to show up in your normal spot between Capricorn and Pisces, there are a dozen other constellations that would jump at the chance. Get your stars together, dude.
Pisces (February 18-March 19)
Your disillusionment with the Sagittarian cult came to flower when you realized that wearing horseshoes to your cousin's wedding drew unwanted attention, and crested when the blacksmith refused to give you a full refund. Your Leo friend is still an international fugitive and your Capricorn heart-throb has been declared legally dead, but that's no reason to take up with a Gemini. There are still some very reputable convents in the metropolitan area, and signing bonuses are at an all-time high.
Capricorn (December 21-January 19)
Your new job at the motor lodge will certainly give you more scope to meet interesting people, but the Aries in No. 6 who keeps calling for towels may sincerely be concerned with her backed-up toilet rather than angling for a bout of afternoon delight. This is all the more true if she greets you at the door in snorkel and swim fins. This evening, try to set aside some time for questioning by the police, and don't forget to partake of the excellent coffee provided by the Red Cross.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 20)
Six weeks of archery lessons have earned you the right to move from suction-cup tips to something more traditional, but it also puts the neighbors' chihuahua out of bounds as a target, unless you have an iron-clad case of self-defense. On the other hand, the water polo class you've signed up for at the Y will not appreciably improve your horsemanship. This p.m., unwind with the new blu-ray edition of Francis the Talking Mule, but keep in mind that it's not a documentary.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
After losing twenty pounds in one week on your panda-and-dolphin diet, it's time for another contrarian gambit: take everything out of hedge funds and invest it in solar depots for interplanetary tourism. Sure, other investors will call you crazy. But they said the same thing in April when you got out of off-shore oil leases and into Afghan mineral concessions. Tonight, let Bombshell show you her new body art.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Libras are children at heart. If you don't have kids to see Toy Story 3 with, it's perfectly fine to go alone! But hanging out at the playground fives afternoons a week is frowned upon. The incident with the Sponge-Bob costume shouldn't be repeated, and sharing your smokes on the monkey-bars is simply unacceptable. Tonight might be a good time to dispose of the Pokemon cards.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Times are hard for everyone, but quitting your job at Bob's Big Boy so they can hire another girl does not actually alleviate unemployment. Nor does moving back in with me make housing any more affordable, except for you. Your Venus is on the cusp; until you've seen a gynecologist, so are you.
Leo (July 22-August 22)
Your travels have brought you to a beautiful land where you can simply reach down, pick up a diamond, and put it in your pocket. Mine guards, however, are trained to shoot on sight anyone who attempts it. Mr. Kurtz pays his diggers a fair wage, thirty rand a day, but he charges forty for room and board. Obviously your best bet is to bribe one of the guards to help you escape, but which one of them is the Capricorn? Hint: it's the one who drools.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
Still here? Three minutes and I'm calling security. This is private property and signs are posted. Shove off. I'm not kidding.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
After consulting with my attorneys, I have prepared this statement: I never stated that Gemini is not a sign of the zodiac. I have never knowingly disparaged any person or persons born between May 19 and June 22, irrespective of year. I have never used the offices of this horoscope to call down righteous vengeance upon any individuals, regardless of how absolutely deserving of cosmic wrath they may be. I stand foursquare behind all prior forecasts made herein and apologize profoundly for any misinterpretations any pinhead Geminis may have applied to such forecasts. I deny categorically authoring that last sentence. Thank you.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Don't be taken in by the latest flash in the pan. Yes, there are people on television called meteorologists. And yes, they do make forecasts. But their predictions rarely involve actual meteors and are hardly ever accurate. Besides, meteors are far too small to project much influence over human behavior. This evening you'll meet a Swedish masseuse who can catch mosquitoes with her tongue. You won't get a prediction like that from a meteorologist, my friend.
Aries (March 20-April 19)
Ignore the rumors. Despite constellation slippage, the astrological community has no plans at this time to replace your sign at the head of the zodiac. Your Campaign to Eliminate Taurus is not only misguided, it's also attracted the attention of the legal department at Ford. On the other hand, no one will say a word if you shoot a Gemini on sight, and there's good money to be made at it if you're willing to work in volume.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Pisces (February 18-March 19)
A true religious experience is a rare and wonderful thing, and your encounter today may well have left you wet and shivering, but it did not turn you into a Sagittarius. Everyone feels a little dizzy after being flung backward into a kiddie wading pool. And while your new-found Sagittarian friend may be charismatic, he probably doesn't actually resemble a horse in the ways you find important. Keep your curtains shut this evening, and your lights off.
Aquarius (January 20-February 17)
We all mourn the passing of Dennis Hopper, but this is not the time to renew his quest to go "in search of America". For one thing, America is marked far more clearly on maps than may have been the case in 1969. For another, you still cannot read a map. And though your motorcycle sidecar is in mint condition, you're still lacking a motorcycle. Tonight, try skinny-dipping in the bath tub.
Capricorn (December 21-January 19)
A new country, a new town, a new job, a chance for a new life where no one knows your past. If you're determined to leave your old name behind, however, neither "Orly Taitz" nor "Joran Van Der Sloot" is an alias that will afford you the anonymity you crave. The bus station bathroom will provide you with all the hot water and soap you need, but avoid the Cancer in the second stall.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 20)
Your pride in your star sign is laudable, but it's not really possible to convert others to "Sagittariansim", even if you did buy an inflatable wading pool. The white gowns are making some of your neighbors nervous, and talk of forced conversion may invite police scrutiny. In any event, the promise that your Sagittarian sect will recognize civil unions with livestock is not the selling point you may think it is.
Friday, June 11, 2010
If Today Is Your Birth Date:
Switch ID bracelets with the kid in the creche on your left. Quick, before the nurse gets back! Your birth mother is a Capricorn; do you really need that fight every day of your life? Better to go with the Aries and Leo couple. Not only are they more compatible with you, they offer Baby Einstein and a nineteen-year-old Brazilian au pair.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Selling the garage to Trump for ninety million may seem like a good idea right now, but where will you store the ping-pong table and snorkeling equipment? Do you really want Ivana and Melania stopping by every evening with those peppery Eastern European dishes? Is it healthy to put a helipad that close to the koi pond? Your weekend should be devoted to final adjustments on your Kevlar bustier design: the Secret Service will be sending agents out for fittings all next week.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
The tarot deck is a powerful divination tool, but if your tarot reader keeps answering your knottiest questions with the words "Go fish", it doesn't mean you should enlist with the crew of Deadliest Catch. It may simply mean that your five-year-old niece may not harbor the psychic talents you ascribed to her when she beat you at Tic-Tac-Toe six times in a row. A Candy-Land tournament this weekend may help you recover your shattered self-confidence.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
The universe hums; the constellations track across the heavenly vault; time at last brings all things to naught; television is nothing but reruns. The stars are in rare unanimous concordance: tonight is your night for make-up sex. Don't forget to bring the guacamole and a six-pack of hard lemonade.
Leo (July 22-August 22)
Clever use of your iPhone convinced these simple jungle natives you were a being of mighty power, but they have since soured on its inability to play simple Flash animations. With your moon in Scorpio, chances are slim your iPad will be delivered before the annual Day of Stranger Sacrifice. Take a stroll this evening. Don't stop until you're across the mountains.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
A bad economy has forced us to make cutbacks in the zodiac. Please remove all personal belongings from the ecliptic by noon today. Turn over all on-going projects to the Pleiades. This is in no way a reflection on your work or any possible personal relations you may or may not have with Geminis involved in ill-advised legal action against the cosmos.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
A court affidavit declaring you a Gemini carries little weight against a preponderance of astrological evidence, and accusations that a series of negative astrological forecasts constitutes a case for libel is certain to be laughed out of court. Due to the confluence of Mars and Aquarius, you are almost certain to receive a call from my lawyers later this week.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
It's comforting to think that the atoms in your body have been around in some form ever since the Big Bang, but adding 13 billion years to your present age is unlikely to get you a senior discount at the movie theater. Nor will Medicare reimburse your reincarnation expenses. Your meeting tomorrow with an IRS auditor is likely to develop into a longterm relationship.
Aries (March 20-April 19)
No one can state with absolute certainty that your repressed memories of being ravished by the crew of Apollo 13 as they rounded the dark side are false. But we can state categorically that such memories were not triggered when your moon entered the Hubble Telescope. It's far more likely your brain is on Sputnik. This evening try attaching the jumper cables to your nipple clamps before starting the car.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Pisces (February 18-March 19)
That handsome blond Gemini you met is certainly not correct when he says that all Gemini have identical twins, nor would his Filipino room-mate be likely to be such a twin. Nor is either likely to be a Gemini at all: you are probably dealing with a couple of conniving Cancers. A very special Capricorn calls you this evening: thank the stars you screen your calls.
Aquarius (January 20-February 17)
Your landlord may not have been complimentary about your living arrangements, especially now that the leak in the water bed has caused the bean bag chair to sprout, but you cannot actually sue someone for harshing your mellow. Do you really need all that room anyway? Consider downsizing to a refrigerator box.
Capricorn (December 21-January 19)
It's only due to an extraordinary confluence of your moon in Jupiter and a short-circuit in a video camera that you remain at large while your accomplice is behind bars. Armed robbery is not a viable career choice for most Capricorns, especially those who develop a stutter in stressful situations. If you insist on keeping the entire forty-six dollars yourself, you would be wise to invest it in a bus ticket to Toronto.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 20)
Perhaps it's time now to mention that, while your sign is indeed conventially represented by a centaur, the stares drawn by your making clip-clop noises when you walk down the street are not admiring ones, good-looking women resent being whinnied at, and even your best friends are unimpressed when you say "I've gotta piss like a racehorse."
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Tell Megan Fox to stop calling you. Of course it's painful that you dumped her in the same week that Michael Bay fired her, but it's probably sheer coincidence you both picked Rosie Huntington-Whiteley to replace her. Ditto for Stephen Hawking. Let the guy come up with his own unified field theory. This p.m., Relax. Tomorrow, fix global warming.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
The book you purchased this morning will not actually teach you how to cast magical spells. Emma Watson will not be able to help you with the hard parts: it's not the text she used at Hogwarts. If you read it closely, however, you will discover the difference between their, there, and they're, and even learn how to spell Mississippi and Connecticut, which should get you a lot of invites to the right parties. Hold off on the tuxedo fitting, however; your waistline continues to expand exponentially -- that's two x's, two p's, and two l's.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
I can accept your cutting the sleeves off my suitcoat as an error in judgment, but that argument does not apply to your brother, as the D. A. pointed out. It's still armed robbery, even if there was less than a hundred dollars in the register at the time. The universe has an important message for you this week, and it's in the form of a subpoena.
Leo (July 22-August 22)
There may indeed be a 13th star sign which could upset many of our ideas about astrology. But it does not follow that the sun sets in the east. Your hosts are more likely to be carrying you to Monrovia than Miami. The good news: Liberia's wide-open economy. The bad news: human trafficking is a growth industry. This evening, practice groveling.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
Some famous Cancers: Vlad the Impaler, Adolph Eichmann, Charles Manson, Jerry Lewis, and Vlad the Impaler again. Detect a pattern there? Try to refrain from mass murder this afternoon.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Ever wonder why you've never met any real Geminis? They all forfeited their birthdays to avoid being associated with fakers like you. You're a Cancer. Nothing can change that.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
It would be prudent to admit that the interesting discolorations in your genital area are probably not caused by the conjunction of Jupiter with Uranus. Get yourself to the free clinic instantest, and don't forget to refill your Zoloft prescription while you're at it.
Aries (March 20-April 19)
Your initiative to make marriage between Virgos and Capricorns illegal was disqualified from the ballot when it was discovered that 98% of your petition signers were Gemini, and therefore non-existent. It's time to accept that Daddy has found someone he really cares for, and can no longer call every night to read Babar the Elephant to you. Tonight, try warm milk with Percodan.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Pisces (February 18-March 19)
That cute Taurus you met at the costume party finally called you, but his insistence that you both wear bubble wrap on the first date leads you to suspect that he has committment issues. A relative may call asking for a favor: explain tactfully that you have already showered this month.
Aquarius (January 20-February 17)
Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Of course, that could be said about tomorrow as well. This strikes you as a profound insight, and you celebrate by smoking another bowl and combing the sofa cushions for the Doritos you spilled last night. You consider inviting friends over this p.m., but can't remember where you live.
Capricorn (December 21-January 19)
A budding relationship is spoiled when Heather, whom you met in the chat room "Daddy's Little Girl", turns out to be Larry from the vice squad. You've been looking for an excuse to exercise more, and your ability to navigate dark alleys quickly should come in handy this p.m.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 20)
Your newfound interest in your birthsign is laudable, but a studio apartment is no place to keep a pony, even if you take everything else out of the closet. Nor is "hallway archery" likely to win you many friends, whether or not you yell "fore" every time you shoot.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Megan Fox has no intention of signing on to Floaters: the Pamela Anderson Story unless you agree to play opposite her as Tommy Lee, but hold out for points on the gross rather than the net. A quiet evening at home is marred when you strike oil while planting tulip bulbs.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
The Harry Potter novels were certainly heartwarming, but you are, in all probability, too old to enroll in Hogwarts. This doesn't mean you can't still go after your G.E.D. Tonight, read Yertle the Turtle all the way through again, this time without moving your lips.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
While Virgos are fun-loving and compatible with almost all other signs, this does not mean that "it's perfectly natural" if I find you with your blouse off in the back seat of my car with my former college room-mate, nor is it "in the stars" that you should shower once a week with your cousin Candace. What it means is, you're a major slut. Take the day off tomorrow to go apartment hunting.
Leo (July 22-August 22)
Your assurance that "it's lucky to rub a Leo" has made you popular with several of the locals, but has perhaps excited certain agents of la policia in an unhealthy manner. This evening, renew old acquaintances in dockside cantinas. Tip lavishly.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
One of the great mysteries of the cosmos is how you make it through each day without getting your teeth knocked down your throat. This evening, pamper yourself with a romantic candle-light gourmet dinner. Wash it down with drain cleaner.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Have you considered professional counseling? A therapist or perhaps even your understanding religious advisor could help you "come out of the closet" and admit you're really a Cancer. Self-loathing is key to future emotional growth.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Those rays they warned you against are utraviolet, not ultraviolent. In either case, you'll find your chain-mail Speedos to be inadequate protection for a day at the beach. A trip to the burn unit may be the ideal way to pass the time this p.m.
Aries (March 20-April 19)
Although you're able to freeze the neighbor's chihuahua with a steely gaze, it's unlikely your telekinetic powers will enable you to generate a force field big enough to seal the Mexican border. Your hostility towards dark-skinned people with exotic accents can probably be resolved simply by asking the maid not to put starch in your undies again.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
If Today Is Your Birth Date:
Then get down off that chair and crawl back to bed. You are way too little to be surfing the internet. The woman in the bed is your mother; she may hog all the covers, but she has the corner on the nipple market in your neighborhood. Go on now, and don't come back until you're at least three weeks old.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Pisces (February 18-March 19)
You cut short a tropical vacation when your Leo soulmate turns out to be a fugitive from justice. The profits from those Cuban cigars should provide you with a nice nest egg, as long as you're willing to share with a Cancer customs agent. Avoid public transportation at all costs.
Aquarius (January 20-February 17)
Good news: vintage lava lamps are fetching top dollar on eBay. Networking with an associate at People's Park could lead to satisfaction if you're able to wake up before noon. Geminis, Cancers, and Capricorns are all good sources for lunch money.
Capricorn (December 21-January 19)
An evening of romance is marred when your credit card is declined and your date refuses to accept your I.O.U. Leaving your car as collateral, you attempt to contact your sister, only to find her still upset with you for introducing her ex-husband to the cashier at Denny's. An attempt to rob a convenience store nets you a large Slurpee, a package of Ho-Ho's, and a sprained ankle. Consider public transport.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 20)
Your discovery that Sagittarius is a fire sign leads you to actions which will involve your toaster, your landlord, and your neighbor's water bed. Chagrined, you resolve never to bathe again. There's a Virgo just waiting for your call.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Your idea for an all-purpose iPad app is backed by Silicon Valley angels, but the IPO for the iGod only nets you $26 million. Disappointed, you break a date with Lindsay Lohan, even though she threatens to do something rash. This p.m., relax with the U.S. women's soccer team.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Your deep attraction to Sookie Stackhouse inspires you to become a vampire, even though the only Maker you can find on craigslist charges fifty dollars for the embossed certificate, plus an extra ten for the notary. Your one foray into the field results in a restraining order and three new crowns. Avoid solid foods this week.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Many people cannot cook. You, for instance, could not boil water with a flame thrower. You probably have many other good qualities, however. Keep watching this column for a list of them. Tonight, order pizza for a loved one.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Leo (July 22-August 22)
You file a brief stating that Martians are withholding files pertinent to your case. The judge decides to recess for a week while doctors decide your competency to stand trial. Be spontaneous: board a tramp steamer to Havana. Book your passage in someone else's name.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
Kicking poodles for distance is not an acceptable pastime. There are twelve-step programs for people like you, though God knows you don't deserve them. Join one this evening.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
It's time to stop pretending and face facts. July 3rd is not on the cusp. You're a Cancer, and you'll never amount to anything else. Take gas tonight.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Your moon is in Jupiter and frankly can't stand the overcrowding and noise. Arguments with Europa and Ganymede leave you feeling like a lifeless ball of dust. Avoid comets this p.m.
Aries (March 20-April 19)
A major guilt spiral ensues when your Tarot reader hints that a single call from you might have prevented the Deepwater Horizon spill. You consider joining the Coast Guard, but your age, weight, and lack of natural buoyancy would seem to rule this option out. Buy a new shower curtain this evening.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Pisces (February 18-March 19)
Big changes are in store for you if you're willing to take risks today. In the evening you meet a romantic stranger and wind up traveling to an exotic foreign locale. Caracas, Venezuela is beautiful this time of year, and full of rich, lonely lawyers who may not be Capricorns but can certainly show you a good time.
Aquarius (January 20-February 17)
Today you realize you no longer remember the words to "Age of Aquarius", much less "Desiderata". Get a hair-cut. That fry-cook job at Bob's Big Boy is still available, but beware: they may require a urine sample.
Capricorn (December 21-January 19)
The good news: the red-headed waitress at Bob's Big Boy gave you her phone number because your signs were compatible. The bad news: like all Capricorns, you are a natural-born stalker and a mouth-breather. You park outside her apartment all night until 5 a.m., when you make a dash to Dunkin' Donuts for the fresh crullers. Speeding back, you're pulled over by cops who assume the powdered sugar on your dashboard is cocaine. You're able to bribe them with chocolate eclairs, but in the meantime the redhead has taken the opportunity to flee the country.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Sagittarius (November 22-December 20)
Although superstitious enough to have eaten Lucky Charms cereal every morning of your life since you were six, before today you had never actually read your horoscope. You spend the evening at Bob's Big Boy, asking glassy-eyed busboys "what's your sign?"
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Today a black cat crosses your path as you step on a crack in the sidewalk while walking underneath a stepladder. This p.m., you win 25 million dollars in the lottery. While celebrating at Bob's Big Boy, you meet Kim Kardashian, who likes you so much she takes you home with her, but then complains all night that you're "hurting her" because you're "too big".
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Another day wasted switching between The Girls Next Door and CNN. You resolve to stalk Laura Logan, but are not sure if you can swing the airfare. A dangerous fall in the bath is averted by the strategic placement of your squeaky toys.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
You realize that you, too, can be wrong sometimes, and that Inglorious Basterds is every bit as good a couple's movie as The Notebook, if not better. You make that phone call in the evening, but I am out, probably with that red-headed cocktail waitress.
Leo (July 22-August 22)
Your contention that "Mercury in retrograde made me do it" is rejected out of hand by the court. You attempt to call your attorney, but are told he has been called away to Caracas, Venezuela. Renew your passport this p.m.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
Get a life, okay? Just get a life. That one's not fit for a dog. This goes for you, too, smartass.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You're not fooling anyone, pal. You're not a Gemini. There are no Gemini. You're another Cancer in deep denial. You consider romance in the p.m., but there's a MacGyver marathon on TV Land.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
No, your moon is not in Pluto. Pluto isn't even a planet any more. Take a long lunch and try not to think about it. In the evening, you change your name to Bambi, even though it was Ed before.
Aries (March 20-April 19)
The sudden realization that astrology was invented as a practical joke by Babylonian camel-drivers waiting to pass through customs at Nag-Hamadi sends you into a psychic tailspin. You have a long, dark night of the soul. In the evening, you begin your quest for the perfect martini.
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