Thursday, June 3, 2010
Pisces (February 18-March 19)
That handsome blond Gemini you met is certainly not correct when he says that all Gemini have identical twins, nor would his Filipino room-mate be likely to be such a twin. Nor is either likely to be a Gemini at all: you are probably dealing with a couple of conniving Cancers. A very special Capricorn calls you this evening: thank the stars you screen your calls.
Aquarius (January 20-February 17)
Your landlord may not have been complimentary about your living arrangements, especially now that the leak in the water bed has caused the bean bag chair to sprout, but you cannot actually sue someone for harshing your mellow. Do you really need all that room anyway? Consider downsizing to a refrigerator box.
Capricorn (December 21-January 19)
It's only due to an extraordinary confluence of your moon in Jupiter and a short-circuit in a video camera that you remain at large while your accomplice is behind bars. Armed robbery is not a viable career choice for most Capricorns, especially those who develop a stutter in stressful situations. If you insist on keeping the entire forty-six dollars yourself, you would be wise to invest it in a bus ticket to Toronto.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 20)
Perhaps it's time now to mention that, while your sign is indeed conventially represented by a centaur, the stares drawn by your making clip-clop noises when you walk down the street are not admiring ones, good-looking women resent being whinnied at, and even your best friends are unimpressed when you say "I've gotta piss like a racehorse."
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Tell Megan Fox to stop calling you. Of course it's painful that you dumped her in the same week that Michael Bay fired her, but it's probably sheer coincidence you both picked Rosie Huntington-Whiteley to replace her. Ditto for Stephen Hawking. Let the guy come up with his own unified field theory. This p.m., Relax. Tomorrow, fix global warming.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
The book you purchased this morning will not actually teach you how to cast magical spells. Emma Watson will not be able to help you with the hard parts: it's not the text she used at Hogwarts. If you read it closely, however, you will discover the difference between their, there, and they're, and even learn how to spell Mississippi and Connecticut, which should get you a lot of invites to the right parties. Hold off on the tuxedo fitting, however; your waistline continues to expand exponentially -- that's two x's, two p's, and two l's.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
I can accept your cutting the sleeves off my suitcoat as an error in judgment, but that argument does not apply to your brother, as the D. A. pointed out. It's still armed robbery, even if there was less than a hundred dollars in the register at the time. The universe has an important message for you this week, and it's in the form of a subpoena.
Leo (July 22-August 22)
There may indeed be a 13th star sign which could upset many of our ideas about astrology. But it does not follow that the sun sets in the east. Your hosts are more likely to be carrying you to Monrovia than Miami. The good news: Liberia's wide-open economy. The bad news: human trafficking is a growth industry. This evening, practice groveling.
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