Sunday, September 12, 2010
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Your moon in confluence with Saturn always makes you over-sensitive. Answering a subpoena to appear in court does not constitute a romantic date with an old flame. Rehearsing testimony is not the same as reminiscing fondly. Any attempt on your part to set fire to my iPhone will be answered by a rain of destruction upon your Jimmy Choo's too terrible to contemplate. This evening would be ideal for you to take a long, calming stroll, since I'm not picking you up from work.
Leo (July 22-August 22)
Your ability to shout "Shiver me timbers!" and "Rum, me hearties!" in a convincingly roguish manner earned you a berth as cook on a Somali pirate ship. Your decision to serve bacon and eggs for breakfast the first morning brought an abrupt end to your seafaring career and re-acquainted you with the dogpaddle. The good news: what looks like sails in the distance are advancing rapidly on your position. The bad news: you ignored our advice to get your lens prescription checked.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Pleiades (June 21-July 21)
Welcome to the zodiac! This will be your personal space on the ecliptic. You can personalize it any way you want, although health laws prohibit any live comets, and nebulae should be confined to the break room. Let us know if you need more pencils or post-it notes. If you have any questions, just ask Taurus. And if you receive any calls for someone named Cancer, just explain that we have no forwarding address or contact information for former star signs. Or you could refer them to the parole office. They may actually ask for Gemini, so don't be fooled -- there are no Gemini. Did we mention that outfit looks really cute on you?
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Dear Sirs:
Your demand for financial records and all official documents related to the website herein named Your Other Horoscope has been deemed by our offices to be entirely frivolous and without merit. Your client (whom this office has it on good authority is not, as she avers, a Gemini, but in reality a Cancer) has no valid claim on our client's creative property, having at the time referred to his intention of taking astrology courses at night school as "the dumbest idea since diet dogfood" and many times since using his star charts to line the bottom of her budgie's cage. In any case, no financial records will be forthcoming, for the very good reason that neither records nor finances exist.
Yours cordially,
Milo T. Mandible, Esq.
Your demand for financial records and all official documents related to the website herein named Your Other Horoscope has been deemed by our offices to be entirely frivolous and without merit. Your client (whom this office has it on good authority is not, as she avers, a Gemini, but in reality a Cancer) has no valid claim on our client's creative property, having at the time referred to his intention of taking astrology courses at night school as "the dumbest idea since diet dogfood" and many times since using his star charts to line the bottom of her budgie's cage. In any case, no financial records will be forthcoming, for the very good reason that neither records nor finances exist.
Yours cordially,
Milo T. Mandible, Esq.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Steven Hawking is a very smart man, and he may be right that there are multiple universes. But even if you could access them, air fares are likely to be exorbitant, hotels near the beach booked solid, and Labor Day weekend irreversibly over and done with. You may want to ask your travel agent if there's a nice little cosmos available where Columbus Day is a three-day weekend and Sioux Falls has a lively beach-front nightlife.
Aries (March 20-April 19)
Your new Capricorn love interest hocked your mother's cameo ring, ran up five grand on your Visa to Fetishes-R-US.com, and blew out the transmission on your Subaru while fleeing the border patrol. He is now stalking you from the relative comfort beneath your neighbor's patio deck. You may be right in thinking this is the man you were meant for. Nevertheless, this is probably not the evening to order calzone from Guido's.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Aquarius (January 20-February 17)
We forgave you when you slept through the Reagan administration, and when you disappeared from 2003-2006, we accepted your excuse that it was your "lost weekend". But there have been cutbacks all over the zodiac lately. The universe needs to show a profit this quarter. If you can't be bothered to show up in your normal spot between Capricorn and Pisces, there are a dozen other constellations that would jump at the chance. Get your stars together, dude.
Pisces (February 18-March 19)
Your disillusionment with the Sagittarian cult came to flower when you realized that wearing horseshoes to your cousin's wedding drew unwanted attention, and crested when the blacksmith refused to give you a full refund. Your Leo friend is still an international fugitive and your Capricorn heart-throb has been declared legally dead, but that's no reason to take up with a Gemini. There are still some very reputable convents in the metropolitan area, and signing bonuses are at an all-time high.
Capricorn (December 21-January 19)
Your new job at the motor lodge will certainly give you more scope to meet interesting people, but the Aries in No. 6 who keeps calling for towels may sincerely be concerned with her backed-up toilet rather than angling for a bout of afternoon delight. This is all the more true if she greets you at the door in snorkel and swim fins. This evening, try to set aside some time for questioning by the police, and don't forget to partake of the excellent coffee provided by the Red Cross.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 20)
Six weeks of archery lessons have earned you the right to move from suction-cup tips to something more traditional, but it also puts the neighbors' chihuahua out of bounds as a target, unless you have an iron-clad case of self-defense. On the other hand, the water polo class you've signed up for at the Y will not appreciably improve your horsemanship. This p.m., unwind with the new blu-ray edition of Francis the Talking Mule, but keep in mind that it's not a documentary.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
After losing twenty pounds in one week on your panda-and-dolphin diet, it's time for another contrarian gambit: take everything out of hedge funds and invest it in solar depots for interplanetary tourism. Sure, other investors will call you crazy. But they said the same thing in April when you got out of off-shore oil leases and into Afghan mineral concessions. Tonight, let Bombshell show you her new body art.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Libras are children at heart. If you don't have kids to see Toy Story 3 with, it's perfectly fine to go alone! But hanging out at the playground fives afternoons a week is frowned upon. The incident with the Sponge-Bob costume shouldn't be repeated, and sharing your smokes on the monkey-bars is simply unacceptable. Tonight might be a good time to dispose of the Pokemon cards.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Times are hard for everyone, but quitting your job at Bob's Big Boy so they can hire another girl does not actually alleviate unemployment. Nor does moving back in with me make housing any more affordable, except for you. Your Venus is on the cusp; until you've seen a gynecologist, so are you.
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