Friday, June 11, 2010
If Today Is Your Birth Date:
Switch ID bracelets with the kid in the creche on your left. Quick, before the nurse gets back! Your birth mother is a Capricorn; do you really need that fight every day of your life? Better to go with the Aries and Leo couple. Not only are they more compatible with you, they offer Baby Einstein and a nineteen-year-old Brazilian au pair.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Selling the garage to Trump for ninety million may seem like a good idea right now, but where will you store the ping-pong table and snorkeling equipment? Do you really want Ivana and Melania stopping by every evening with those peppery Eastern European dishes? Is it healthy to put a helipad that close to the koi pond? Your weekend should be devoted to final adjustments on your Kevlar bustier design: the Secret Service will be sending agents out for fittings all next week.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
The tarot deck is a powerful divination tool, but if your tarot reader keeps answering your knottiest questions with the words "Go fish", it doesn't mean you should enlist with the crew of Deadliest Catch. It may simply mean that your five-year-old niece may not harbor the psychic talents you ascribed to her when she beat you at Tic-Tac-Toe six times in a row. A Candy-Land tournament this weekend may help you recover your shattered self-confidence.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
The universe hums; the constellations track across the heavenly vault; time at last brings all things to naught; television is nothing but reruns. The stars are in rare unanimous concordance: tonight is your night for make-up sex. Don't forget to bring the guacamole and a six-pack of hard lemonade.
Leo (July 22-August 22)
Clever use of your iPhone convinced these simple jungle natives you were a being of mighty power, but they have since soured on its inability to play simple Flash animations. With your moon in Scorpio, chances are slim your iPad will be delivered before the annual Day of Stranger Sacrifice. Take a stroll this evening. Don't stop until you're across the mountains.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
A bad economy has forced us to make cutbacks in the zodiac. Please remove all personal belongings from the ecliptic by noon today. Turn over all on-going projects to the Pleiades. This is in no way a reflection on your work or any possible personal relations you may or may not have with Geminis involved in ill-advised legal action against the cosmos.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
A court affidavit declaring you a Gemini carries little weight against a preponderance of astrological evidence, and accusations that a series of negative astrological forecasts constitutes a case for libel is certain to be laughed out of court. Due to the confluence of Mars and Aquarius, you are almost certain to receive a call from my lawyers later this week.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
It's comforting to think that the atoms in your body have been around in some form ever since the Big Bang, but adding 13 billion years to your present age is unlikely to get you a senior discount at the movie theater. Nor will Medicare reimburse your reincarnation expenses. Your meeting tomorrow with an IRS auditor is likely to develop into a longterm relationship.
Aries (March 20-April 19)
No one can state with absolute certainty that your repressed memories of being ravished by the crew of Apollo 13 as they rounded the dark side are false. But we can state categorically that such memories were not triggered when your moon entered the Hubble Telescope. It's far more likely your brain is on Sputnik. This evening try attaching the jumper cables to your nipple clamps before starting the car.
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