Thursday, June 17, 2010
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
Still here? Three minutes and I'm calling security. This is private property and signs are posted. Shove off. I'm not kidding.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
After consulting with my attorneys, I have prepared this statement: I never stated that Gemini is not a sign of the zodiac. I have never knowingly disparaged any person or persons born between May 19 and June 22, irrespective of year. I have never used the offices of this horoscope to call down righteous vengeance upon any individuals, regardless of how absolutely deserving of cosmic wrath they may be. I stand foursquare behind all prior forecasts made herein and apologize profoundly for any misinterpretations any pinhead Geminis may have applied to such forecasts. I deny categorically authoring that last sentence. Thank you.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Don't be taken in by the latest flash in the pan. Yes, there are people on television called meteorologists. And yes, they do make forecasts. But their predictions rarely involve actual meteors and are hardly ever accurate. Besides, meteors are far too small to project much influence over human behavior. This evening you'll meet a Swedish masseuse who can catch mosquitoes with her tongue. You won't get a prediction like that from a meteorologist, my friend.
Aries (March 20-April 19)
Ignore the rumors. Despite constellation slippage, the astrological community has no plans at this time to replace your sign at the head of the zodiac. Your Campaign to Eliminate Taurus is not only misguided, it's also attracted the attention of the legal department at Ford. On the other hand, no one will say a word if you shoot a Gemini on sight, and there's good money to be made at it if you're willing to work in volume.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Pisces (February 18-March 19)
A true religious experience is a rare and wonderful thing, and your encounter today may well have left you wet and shivering, but it did not turn you into a Sagittarius. Everyone feels a little dizzy after being flung backward into a kiddie wading pool. And while your new-found Sagittarian friend may be charismatic, he probably doesn't actually resemble a horse in the ways you find important. Keep your curtains shut this evening, and your lights off.
Aquarius (January 20-February 17)
We all mourn the passing of Dennis Hopper, but this is not the time to renew his quest to go "in search of America". For one thing, America is marked far more clearly on maps than may have been the case in 1969. For another, you still cannot read a map. And though your motorcycle sidecar is in mint condition, you're still lacking a motorcycle. Tonight, try skinny-dipping in the bath tub.
Capricorn (December 21-January 19)
A new country, a new town, a new job, a chance for a new life where no one knows your past. If you're determined to leave your old name behind, however, neither "Orly Taitz" nor "Joran Van Der Sloot" is an alias that will afford you the anonymity you crave. The bus station bathroom will provide you with all the hot water and soap you need, but avoid the Cancer in the second stall.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 20)
Your pride in your star sign is laudable, but it's not really possible to convert others to "Sagittariansim", even if you did buy an inflatable wading pool. The white gowns are making some of your neighbors nervous, and talk of forced conversion may invite police scrutiny. In any event, the promise that your Sagittarian sect will recognize civil unions with livestock is not the selling point you may think it is.
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