Saturday, May 22, 2010
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
One of the great mysteries of the cosmos is how you make it through each day without getting your teeth knocked down your throat. This evening, pamper yourself with a romantic candle-light gourmet dinner. Wash it down with drain cleaner.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Have you considered professional counseling? A therapist or perhaps even your understanding religious advisor could help you "come out of the closet" and admit you're really a Cancer. Self-loathing is key to future emotional growth.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Those rays they warned you against are utraviolet, not ultraviolent. In either case, you'll find your chain-mail Speedos to be inadequate protection for a day at the beach. A trip to the burn unit may be the ideal way to pass the time this p.m.
Aries (March 20-April 19)
Although you're able to freeze the neighbor's chihuahua with a steely gaze, it's unlikely your telekinetic powers will enable you to generate a force field big enough to seal the Mexican border. Your hostility towards dark-skinned people with exotic accents can probably be resolved simply by asking the maid not to put starch in your undies again.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
If Today Is Your Birth Date:
Then get down off that chair and crawl back to bed. You are way too little to be surfing the internet. The woman in the bed is your mother; she may hog all the covers, but she has the corner on the nipple market in your neighborhood. Go on now, and don't come back until you're at least three weeks old.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Pisces (February 18-March 19)
You cut short a tropical vacation when your Leo soulmate turns out to be a fugitive from justice. The profits from those Cuban cigars should provide you with a nice nest egg, as long as you're willing to share with a Cancer customs agent. Avoid public transportation at all costs.
Aquarius (January 20-February 17)
Good news: vintage lava lamps are fetching top dollar on eBay. Networking with an associate at People's Park could lead to satisfaction if you're able to wake up before noon. Geminis, Cancers, and Capricorns are all good sources for lunch money.
Capricorn (December 21-January 19)
An evening of romance is marred when your credit card is declined and your date refuses to accept your I.O.U. Leaving your car as collateral, you attempt to contact your sister, only to find her still upset with you for introducing her ex-husband to the cashier at Denny's. An attempt to rob a convenience store nets you a large Slurpee, a package of Ho-Ho's, and a sprained ankle. Consider public transport.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 20)
Your discovery that Sagittarius is a fire sign leads you to actions which will involve your toaster, your landlord, and your neighbor's water bed. Chagrined, you resolve never to bathe again. There's a Virgo just waiting for your call.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Your idea for an all-purpose iPad app is backed by Silicon Valley angels, but the IPO for the iGod only nets you $26 million. Disappointed, you break a date with Lindsay Lohan, even though she threatens to do something rash. This p.m., relax with the U.S. women's soccer team.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Your deep attraction to Sookie Stackhouse inspires you to become a vampire, even though the only Maker you can find on craigslist charges fifty dollars for the embossed certificate, plus an extra ten for the notary. Your one foray into the field results in a restraining order and three new crowns. Avoid solid foods this week.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Many people cannot cook. You, for instance, could not boil water with a flame thrower. You probably have many other good qualities, however. Keep watching this column for a list of them. Tonight, order pizza for a loved one.
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