Saturday, May 29, 2010
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
Some famous Cancers: Vlad the Impaler, Adolph Eichmann, Charles Manson, Jerry Lewis, and Vlad the Impaler again. Detect a pattern there? Try to refrain from mass murder this afternoon.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Ever wonder why you've never met any real Geminis? They all forfeited their birthdays to avoid being associated with fakers like you. You're a Cancer. Nothing can change that.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
It would be prudent to admit that the interesting discolorations in your genital area are probably not caused by the conjunction of Jupiter with Uranus. Get yourself to the free clinic instantest, and don't forget to refill your Zoloft prescription while you're at it.
Aries (March 20-April 19)
Your initiative to make marriage between Virgos and Capricorns illegal was disqualified from the ballot when it was discovered that 98% of your petition signers were Gemini, and therefore non-existent. It's time to accept that Daddy has found someone he really cares for, and can no longer call every night to read Babar the Elephant to you. Tonight, try warm milk with Percodan.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Pisces (February 18-March 19)
That cute Taurus you met at the costume party finally called you, but his insistence that you both wear bubble wrap on the first date leads you to suspect that he has committment issues. A relative may call asking for a favor: explain tactfully that you have already showered this month.
Aquarius (January 20-February 17)
Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Of course, that could be said about tomorrow as well. This strikes you as a profound insight, and you celebrate by smoking another bowl and combing the sofa cushions for the Doritos you spilled last night. You consider inviting friends over this p.m., but can't remember where you live.
Capricorn (December 21-January 19)
A budding relationship is spoiled when Heather, whom you met in the chat room "Daddy's Little Girl", turns out to be Larry from the vice squad. You've been looking for an excuse to exercise more, and your ability to navigate dark alleys quickly should come in handy this p.m.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 20)
Your newfound interest in your birthsign is laudable, but a studio apartment is no place to keep a pony, even if you take everything else out of the closet. Nor is "hallway archery" likely to win you many friends, whether or not you yell "fore" every time you shoot.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Megan Fox has no intention of signing on to Floaters: the Pamela Anderson Story unless you agree to play opposite her as Tommy Lee, but hold out for points on the gross rather than the net. A quiet evening at home is marred when you strike oil while planting tulip bulbs.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
The Harry Potter novels were certainly heartwarming, but you are, in all probability, too old to enroll in Hogwarts. This doesn't mean you can't still go after your G.E.D. Tonight, read Yertle the Turtle all the way through again, this time without moving your lips.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
While Virgos are fun-loving and compatible with almost all other signs, this does not mean that "it's perfectly natural" if I find you with your blouse off in the back seat of my car with my former college room-mate, nor is it "in the stars" that you should shower once a week with your cousin Candace. What it means is, you're a major slut. Take the day off tomorrow to go apartment hunting.
Leo (July 22-August 22)
Your assurance that "it's lucky to rub a Leo" has made you popular with several of the locals, but has perhaps excited certain agents of la policia in an unhealthy manner. This evening, renew old acquaintances in dockside cantinas. Tip lavishly.
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