Saturday, May 15, 2010
Leo (July 22-August 22)
You file a brief stating that Martians are withholding files pertinent to your case. The judge decides to recess for a week while doctors decide your competency to stand trial. Be spontaneous: board a tramp steamer to Havana. Book your passage in someone else's name.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
Kicking poodles for distance is not an acceptable pastime. There are twelve-step programs for people like you, though God knows you don't deserve them. Join one this evening.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
It's time to stop pretending and face facts. July 3rd is not on the cusp. You're a Cancer, and you'll never amount to anything else. Take gas tonight.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Your moon is in Jupiter and frankly can't stand the overcrowding and noise. Arguments with Europa and Ganymede leave you feeling like a lifeless ball of dust. Avoid comets this p.m.
Aries (March 20-April 19)
A major guilt spiral ensues when your Tarot reader hints that a single call from you might have prevented the Deepwater Horizon spill. You consider joining the Coast Guard, but your age, weight, and lack of natural buoyancy would seem to rule this option out. Buy a new shower curtain this evening.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Pisces (February 18-March 19)
Big changes are in store for you if you're willing to take risks today. In the evening you meet a romantic stranger and wind up traveling to an exotic foreign locale. Caracas, Venezuela is beautiful this time of year, and full of rich, lonely lawyers who may not be Capricorns but can certainly show you a good time.
Aquarius (January 20-February 17)
Today you realize you no longer remember the words to "Age of Aquarius", much less "Desiderata". Get a hair-cut. That fry-cook job at Bob's Big Boy is still available, but beware: they may require a urine sample.
Capricorn (December 21-January 19)
The good news: the red-headed waitress at Bob's Big Boy gave you her phone number because your signs were compatible. The bad news: like all Capricorns, you are a natural-born stalker and a mouth-breather. You park outside her apartment all night until 5 a.m., when you make a dash to Dunkin' Donuts for the fresh crullers. Speeding back, you're pulled over by cops who assume the powdered sugar on your dashboard is cocaine. You're able to bribe them with chocolate eclairs, but in the meantime the redhead has taken the opportunity to flee the country.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Sagittarius (November 22-December 20)
Although superstitious enough to have eaten Lucky Charms cereal every morning of your life since you were six, before today you had never actually read your horoscope. You spend the evening at Bob's Big Boy, asking glassy-eyed busboys "what's your sign?"
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Today a black cat crosses your path as you step on a crack in the sidewalk while walking underneath a stepladder. This p.m., you win 25 million dollars in the lottery. While celebrating at Bob's Big Boy, you meet Kim Kardashian, who likes you so much she takes you home with her, but then complains all night that you're "hurting her" because you're "too big".
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Another day wasted switching between The Girls Next Door and CNN. You resolve to stalk Laura Logan, but are not sure if you can swing the airfare. A dangerous fall in the bath is averted by the strategic placement of your squeaky toys.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
You realize that you, too, can be wrong sometimes, and that Inglorious Basterds is every bit as good a couple's movie as The Notebook, if not better. You make that phone call in the evening, but I am out, probably with that red-headed cocktail waitress.
Leo (July 22-August 22)
Your contention that "Mercury in retrograde made me do it" is rejected out of hand by the court. You attempt to call your attorney, but are told he has been called away to Caracas, Venezuela. Renew your passport this p.m.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
Get a life, okay? Just get a life. That one's not fit for a dog. This goes for you, too, smartass.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You're not fooling anyone, pal. You're not a Gemini. There are no Gemini. You're another Cancer in deep denial. You consider romance in the p.m., but there's a MacGyver marathon on TV Land.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
No, your moon is not in Pluto. Pluto isn't even a planet any more. Take a long lunch and try not to think about it. In the evening, you change your name to Bambi, even though it was Ed before.
Aries (March 20-April 19)
The sudden realization that astrology was invented as a practical joke by Babylonian camel-drivers waiting to pass through customs at Nag-Hamadi sends you into a psychic tailspin. You have a long, dark night of the soul. In the evening, you begin your quest for the perfect martini.
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